You and your partner may have talked about wanting or not wanting kids, or maybe you haven’t. You could be in a committed long-term relationship, or maybe you have just started dating. No matter where you are in your relationship journey, finding out that you are unexpectedly pregnant can be a lot to process. And then in addition to this, you have the challenge of telling your partner that you are pregnant. Letting your partner know about an unplanned pregnancy can be a daunting thing, especially when you do not know how they will respond. There is no set way to tell your partner about an unplanned pregnancy. However, below are a few tips which you may find helpful as you prepare to talk with him.
Before you tell your partner, if you are afraid that he may react violently, it is a good idea to reach out for help first. There are a few helplines that you can call for support:
Available to those who live in Ottawa and Renfrew County
24hr Helpline: 613-745-4818
https://eorc-creo.ca/portfolio-items/programs-against-violence/
Call 1-866-863-0511
Text and Chat support at 613-704-5535
https://unsafeathomeottawa.ca/
As you prepare to talk with your partner, it is important to remember that it takes two to get pregnant. You should not feel sole responsibility for getting pregnant or shame when telling your partner, because your partner had a part to play in this unplanned pregnancy too.
It is up to you if you tell your partner or not about the pregnancy. Keeping a secret in a relationship can be hard to do and can often lead to relational challenges and difficulties. Facing an unplanned pregnancy can be stressful and overwhelming and it can help to have your partner to walk through this with you.
Finding out that you are unexpectedly pregnant is a lot to process in itself, without the stress of needing to tell your partner as well. It is ok to take a bit of time for yourself, to calm down from the shock and to process the news. Some women find it helpful to take some time to think through what they want to do, before they share the news with their partner.
It is up to you whether you decide to tell your partner that your period is late and you suspect that you may be pregnant before you have taken a test, or if you wait until after taking a positive pregnancy test to tell them. This decision may depend on the type of relationship that you have with your partner. If you are in a long-term committed relationship with a supportive partner, you may find it comforting to have them with you as you take a pregnancy test. Other women prefer to take a pregnancy test by themselves to find out for sure before talking to their partner. There is no right or wrong way to do it, it depends on what you are most comfortable with doing.
When preparing to tell your partner about your unplanned pregnancy, it is important to pick the right time. Don’t tell them right before they need to leave for work, or when he is in a bad mood because he has had a bad day. Try to choose a time when you both don’t have any immediate commitments to get to, and a time when you know that he should be in a good mood. It is also helpful to choose a time when your partner will not be distracted by a big sports event on the TV or what is happening outside the window. If your partner is busy scrolling on his phone, you can tell him that you wanted to talk about something and ask if he would put his phone away for a bit.
When you tell your partner is important, but it is also important to consider where you tell him. Consider picking a private place where you do not have the risk of people interrupting your conversation or strangers staring at you both. This may allow your partner the space that he needs to be able to respond to the news that you are telling him. However, if you are concerned that your partner may respond violently, then it is wise to pick a quiet but public place, like a park bench to tell him the news.
You may find it helpful to think through how you want to tell him and what you want to say. The words that you use can really impact the direction of the conversation and how your partner will be digesting what you are saying, which in turn can influence the tone of the conversation moving forward. For example, starting with “I have terrible news that you are not going to like”, can instantly raise your partners stress, anxiety and frustration levels, before you have even shared the news. Compared to, “I have something important to tell you”, which helps to set the tone for your important conversation without necessarily raising stress levels. As you prepare, some people find it helpful to practice what they want to say with a friend first.
This is a big conversation to have, and it is normal to feel a little anxious and stressed about having it. However, for your partner’s sake, it is important not to beat around the bush. When some people are nervous, they can fumble their words and forget what they were saying, or begin rambling about something unrelated. This is why preparing what you want to say ahead of time can be helpful. Your partner will be waiting and possibly anticipating what you are trying to say. It is best to try and be direct and honest as you share the news.
Although telling your partner about your unplanned pregnancy via text may seem easier than talking to them in person, doing so can raise its own challenges. For example, if you share the news via text, you do not know where or when your partner will read the text and what frame of mind he will be in when he reads it. Sharing your unplanned pregnancy over text also means that you will then need to sit and wait for a reply, or wait until you next see them to know what they are thinking. Additionally, receiving such big news over text can feel very impersonal for the receiver, which may cause some hurt or frustration within your relationship. Therefore, when telling your partner about your unplanned pregnancy, it is best to do it face to face, where you can control the timing, location and respond to your partner’s reaction.
When you found out about your unplanned pregnancy, you were likely in a bathroom alone. And you likely had some time to process the news by yourself before sharing it with anyone. Your partner however, will need to hear and process the news of your unplanned pregnancy while in front of you. They may have very different emotions from you regarding this unexpected pregnancy. It is important to try to remain calm, and let them ask any questions or respond to this shocking news how they need to. He may need some time by himself before he is ready to talk to you further about the unplanned pregnancy. Try to allow him the time that he needs, without pestering or pressuring him to talk to you.
Once you have shared the news of your unplanned pregnancy with your partner, and you have both had the time that you need to process this information, it is important to talk with each other about what you are thinking and feeling. Facing an unexpected pregnancy can be stressful and overwhelming. It can also leave couples feeling alone, not having many people that they are comfortable telling yet. It is important to allow each other the space to be open and honest about what they are thinking and what they would like to do moving forward. It is not uncommon for couples to experience conflicting thoughts and emotions when facing an unplanned pregnancy. Many couples may also have opposing thoughts in regards to what they would like to do. It can help to talk with an unbiased third party, who can support you both as you navigate your conflicting and or opposing thoughts and feelings. First Place Options offers free and confidential Pregnancy Options counselling, where you are welcome to meet together as a couple or separately, as you process all of your options: abortion, adoption and parenting. Book a free appointment today.
Depending on the type of relationship you are in, you may wonder if your partner will leave after you tell him about the unplanned pregnancy. Unfortunately, this does happen to some women. No one should have to face an unplanned pregnancy alone. If this is your experience, we are so sorry. If your partner leaves you when facing a challenging and stressful situation like an unplanned pregnancy, he likely isn't the one that you want to spend your life with. However, being left to face an unplanned pregnancy alone can be devastating and very scary. First Place Options is here to support you. We want you to know that you are not alone and that we will be here for you, no matter what decision you make. Click here to see all of our supports available.
Although some partners do leave, not all do. It can be scary not knowing how your partner will respond or what they will think when you tell them about the unplanned pregnancy. Telling your partner sooner rather than later is often helpful. Take the time that you need to process the news for yourself and to prepare how you want to tell your partner. But once you have prepared, do not keep putting it off. Delaying when you tell your partner about your unplanned pregnancy can cause more stress and anxiety as you keep thinking through all the ways your partner may respond.
Studies show that men and women tend to respond differently to stress. When faced with a stressful situation like an unplanned
pregnancy, women are more likely to react with a tend-and-befriend response. Meaning that they are more likely to reach out to their support system, such as their friends and family for help and support. Whereas when men are faced with the same stressful situation, their bodies tend to release a higher level of cortisol (the hormone related to stress)[1]. As a result, men are more likely to react with a fight-or-flight response. Men also face the societal stigma that says being vulnerable means you are weak, which can cause many men to withhold their feelings. And finally, men have been shown to have a lowered ability to read people’s feelings when faced with a stressful situation, which can lead to misunderstanding and hurt at a time when you are both trying to process the unplanned pregnancy. More on these responses below.
Experiencing a higher level of cortisol in response to stressful situations, means that men have a higher tendency to experience a fight-or-flight response when faced with a stressful situation. Men who have a tendency towards a ‘fight’ response may act out more aggressively, which can be shown through anger, verbal conflicts or criticism[2]. Some men however, may respond to stress with more of a ‘flight’ response. These men are more likely to become distant and withdrawn.
Whether your partner reacts with a ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response, it is important to try to remain calm. It can be helpful to remind yourself that men and women respond in different ways both biologically and physically to stress. Try to give your partner time, space and grace as they process the news of the unplanned pregnancy.
If you are concerned when you tell your partner about your unplanned pregnancy that he may react with a 'fight response' and become aggressive (verbally or physically), it can be helpful when you initially talk to him to do it in a public setting or to have a friend with you.
Men typically have grown up being taught to be strong and manly. Often boys are told not to cry. As a result, many men grow up learning to push their emotions aside, feeling that it is a sign of weakness to talk about their emotions or to cry. This stigma around being vulnerable and expressing emotions can impact how men respond to the news of an unplanned pregnancy. It can heighten the males desire to withdraw or run from the situation. For some, this withdrawal may look like becoming engrossed in video games, their phone or TV, or busying themselves in tasks or projects. Many men will tell their partner that it is “your decision”. Some men think that leaving the decision to their pregnant partner is supportive, while others are seeking an escape from the responsibility of the decision. It is hard to know what your partner’s motivation is, without talking openly with them about it.
In the event of a stressful situation, men have been shown to have a lowered ability to understand other people’s feelings[3]. Meaning that when told about an unplanned pregnancy, your partner may not be as attentive to or able to recognize what you are feeling and experiencing in that moment. This is why both time and communication are so important between couples, when facing an unplanned pregnancy. Your partner will need time to process the information that you have just shared with him. Remember that he likely process this information differently than you and will likely need time to process it by himself. Try not to rush him or pressure him to talk before he is ready. Both of you need time to process the unexpected pregnancy alone. It is important to talk openly and honestly with each other about your thoughts, feelings, concerns and fears or even the possibility that you have become numb and have shut down.
Talking openly and honestly with each other about your thoughts and feelings in regards to the unplanned pregnancy can be challenging to do when you both have different ways of processing. Adding to this challenge can be the fact that you both may have different thoughts and desires in regards to this pregnancy. In these situations, it is often helpful to talk with an unbiased third party who can help facilitate this important conversation between you both. Our trained counsellors at First Place Options are experienced in helping couples to navigate these challenging conversations. Reach out today to book a free and confidential appointment with one of our counsellors.
[1] Elana Sures, “How Men Experience Stress (and How to Handle it!),” retrieved January 31, 2025. How Men Experience Stress (and how to handle it!) | Open Space Counselling
[2] Sures, “How Men Experience Stress”.
[3] Rick Nauert, “Men Respond to Stress by Shutting Down,” September 29, 2018, https://psychcentral.com/news/2018/09/29/men-respond-to-stress-by-shutting-down#1
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Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
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Smith Falls, Ontario, Canada
Phone: 613-228-7475
Email: info@firstplaceoptions.ca
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Our pregnancy and counselling services are not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice and professional counselling or therapy. We are neither a medical provider, nor an abortion service provider.
